December 2020

It's been a hard year for me, given its been a hard year for our country. Before I move on I want to apologize for my absence in updates regarding my ministry. 

I thought I was managing pretty well but this last two month I found myself barely having the motivation. 

This summer I lost my grandfather over COVID and though I thought I was fine I kept finding myself in sad and emotional moments. Unconsciously I kept trying to put a fix to these low moments by keeping myself busy with ministry, finding things like scrolling through social media, hanging out with friends as a way to escape. I started experiencing these severe migraines which led to doctor visits that pointed out this benign tumor and other health conditions that brought more anxiety. Thought these last two months have been some of the hardest I believe they were a sort of wake up call to lean deeper in the Lord. Often times I tend to look a lot like the disciples on the boat in the storm with Jesus who ask him "Don't you care that we are going to drown?" I find myself anxious, panicking, worrying, trying to take things under my hands, having no trust, no faith that God is bigger than me. In this story we find Jesus sleeping and that is the kind of faith I want to have, a faith that puts me to sleep, that is so deeply rooted in God that no storm can shake.

Garrett initiated this optional 1/2 day retreat for our staff at Eisenhower State Park. I got to go and though it was definitely moving I remember feeling like I hadn't been fully honest with God. Looking back God was ready for me to sit at his feet and I decided to just smile with some tears from far away with a thumbs up as a way to express I was fine. I also relate to Martha, too worry about everything else but Mary new what was needed at that time. Obviously this facade did not last long enough. I remember going on a run feeling overwhelmed, where I found myself reaching out to God, later reaching out to people like Dani and Garrett who dropped their weekend plans to meet with me. 

Garrett encouraged me to go on another retreat by myself and this time I didn't hesitate to be completely transparent with God. Good things have come out of this second retreat, things that are still unfolding. For example, I am someone that loves to be in control it makes me feel safe but the irony in that is that the only one in control is God. Control has kept me from trusting God, kept me from having faith in prayer, and it has kept me from allowing myself to feel and process emotions especially the hard ones with God. Cool thing is that I am aware of all of this now, and believe it or not I praise God for revealing himself. In our ministry we have this saying that goes like, "your misery is your ministry" and through this grieving face I have been able to grow closer to the girls I meet with.

Peer team outside in one of these cold nights because covid cases are spiking!

I want to leave you guys with 3 things that have been ministering to me during this time:

1. Canvas and Clay by Pat Barrett -this song reemphasizes who is the one in control, God. Yet it pleads that when we are doubting we can be reminded that we are wonderfully made and that he is the artist and the potter and we are the canvas and the clay.
2. 52. Dallas Willard - The Role of Faith in Prayer -this Renovaré podcast hits on the importance and value that faith brings in this journey, especially to prayer. Personally I have struggled in believing in the power of prayer but is not prayer that is the problem rather it has been the faith that I have behind my prayers.
3. Toughest People to Love by Chuck DeGroat -quote from this book, "One lesson we learn from the ancient mystics is that dark nights are not only problems, but also opportunities. Grasping this reality  moves us beyond the question "How do I fix this?" to the question "What is God saying to me in this?" In our North American context, we often view failure and struggle as jagged detours on what is supposed to be the smooth, straight road of life. This distinctly Western perspective also subtly impacts our Christian perceptions. Thus, pastors may think of depression, doubt, or distance from God as obstacles to ministry, rather than as opportunities for it. Leaders see their failures and weakness as obstacles to success not wells of wisdom waiting to be tapped."

Thank you all for your support whether that has been directly to me or recently towards our KFG fundraiser! Praying for your safety as cases continue to rise! Happy holidays!

Best,

Adriana